Dear Baby,
by WolfMarauder
Summary: The story of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin as told by Tonks in letters to someone she loves very much.  DH era, RLNT.  Please read and review!
1. Prologue

**Here is another story I had started. Since I am already working on another story, Holding it Together, updating this one may take low priority. I should still update semi-frequently though; about once a weekish. This is not connected to my other story, and will pretty much follow cannon.**

**I don't own Harry Potter, no matter how much I want to.**

Nymphadora Tonks crept around the book shelves, looking for something _anything_ that would help her. _I've only been married to him for just shy of two months and he's already rubbing off on me!_ Tonks thought as she tried to find her answers in text just as she had often seen her bookish husband do. Now she knew the attraction. She wasn't quite ready to discuss her… issue with another person just yet. She just wanted to grab the book and go before anyone could see her in _that_ section. She had gone to great lengths to avoid detection, selecting a tiny little bookstore in muggle London rather than the crowded Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley. Tonks supposed it was the same for muggles as it was for witches… unless throwing a werewolf into the mix complicated things.

A cough from behind her made her jump out of her skin. "Excuse me madam, do you need help finding anything?" The speaker was a kind-faced older lady, the shopkeeper, she guessed. Tonks just spluttered, trying to form a coherent sentence. "Where are the baby books?" she finally choked. The lady smiled, a knowing look on her finely wrinkled face, and lead the way.

"Here, this is the one you want." The woman handed Tonks a copy of _What to Expect When You're Expecting_. The cover depicted a heavily pregnant woman in a rocking chair, one hand on her round belly, staring off wistfully. The mutely colored patch-work background gave the image an over-all feeling of domestic bliss. Tonks wondered at the phrasing of the title._ That's a rather nonspecific way to put it,_ she thought, imagining if she came home to Remus that night and told him, "Sweetheart, I'm expecting." He would probably answer, "Expecting what, darling?" without even looking up from whatever he was reading.

"So, what do you think?" the clerk asked, diverting Tonks' thoughts.

"I'll take it," she answered, if only because of the title. It would be good to know what to expect, if only in one area of her life. Her world was slowly turning to chaos, and it would only get worse from here. Tonks followed the little saleslady to the counter, eyes darting around the shop for anyone she knew. She wasn't ready for anyone to find out, not yet anyway. Her eyes fell on a journal sitting on a table. It had a soft brown cover and was tied closed by gold cord wrapped around its middle. She was drawn in by the book, with its comforting leather and paper smell that reminded her so much if _him._ She placed it on the counter with the pregnancy book and paid for them both.

"Congratulations, dear," the lady said as she handed Tonks her purchases. _Congratulations,_ it felt nice to hear someone say it. It made her feel like this was a normal situation; like it wasn't in the middle of a war she was neck-deep in and like her husband was not a werewolf. It felt so normal, so blessedly _normal_, in a world gone mad. "Thank you," she said, perhaps a bit too fervently, before leaving the little bookstore to sneak her purchases into the house without her husband seeing.

A few hours later, Tonks was sitting alone in the bed. She had stuffed the pregnancy book into the darkest corner of the mattress. She now held the journal, stroking its soft cover. She felt so alone in this, even if it was her choice to keep it a secret. The need to share was building inside her, threatening to burst out. Stroking her still-flat stomach, she picked up her quill and began to write.


	2. Chapter 1

**Here is the next chapter. Yes, I know the timeline is a bit wonky, but work with me. Please please please review!**

**I don't own Harry Potter. If you recognize it, it is not mine.**

July 29th, 1998

Dear Baby,

I just found out about you today. It sounds trite, but it is hard to believe I have a little person inside me. I can't feel you yet, which is strange. I would have thought I would just _know_ if there was a baby inside of me.

Anyway, the healer says I am about six weeks now. That means that you've been through a lot with me already, things I wouldn't have put you through, whether or not you will remember it later. I put you in harm's way, and for that I am sorry. To think it could have been two of us getting hurt or dying… I can't stand it. Imagine if Remus (that's your dad) found out that he had lost both of us before he even knew about you. He would be so hurt. You never asked to fight a war, Baby, so I promise as long as I am carrying you, I will not go into another battle.

Maybe I should tell you about me. Well, I'm your Mum, obviously. My name is Nymphadora Tonks Lupin, but I go by Tonks. Don't worry, Baby, whether you are a boy or girl, a promise you I will not give you a name as ridiculous as mine. I am a metamorphmagous, which means I can shift my appearance at will. This is one trait I sort of hope you inherit from me. It can be very useful and pretty fun. If you do, I am sure you will have your father and me running constantly! My favorite color for my hair is pink, so it will be interesting to see which color you settle on. I am also very clumsy, which is a trait that I hope you do not inherit from me. I was a Hufflepuff in school. Don't let anyone tell you that Hufflepuffs are a bunch of duffers. We are a loyal, hardworking lot. These are very important, though constantly undervalued traits. I work as an Auror (for now anyway; I am expecting to get the sack any day now, though that is another story). Your father and I are members of the Order of the Phoenix. We are fighting against a very bad wizard right now. His name is Voldemort. That is how I met your father, Remus John Lupin.

I suppose I will tell you a bit about him now. Your father is a great man. He is smart, caring, patient, brave, and, in my opinion, very handsome. He constantly undervalues himself, which can be irritating. He is a werewolf, you see. He is very afraid of the effect that his condition will have on me. He says that I will share his stigma. People are afraid of him because they see the wolf before the man. That is their loss, Baby, because your father is the most gentle, loving person I know. Let that be a lesson to you to see the person behind the label assigned to them. I hope you take after him in his personality, but not his condition. He would never forgive himself if you were a werewolf like him. I am pretty sure it is impossible, but it's not exactly common for a werewolf to start a family. Whatever happens, and whoever you take after, know that I will love you always.

I am bringing you into a mad world, baby, and for that I am sorry. Hopefully this war will be done soon and we can raise you in a world without all the fear and hatred we know now. I am still shaking with how close you and I came to dying the other night. My aunt, Bellatrix Lastrange, wants to kill me very much (something else your father blames himself for) and she may have succeeded if it were not for Ron. We were supposed to have the jump on the Death Eaters, but somehow the date we were moving Harry leaked. The plan was to have seven people polyjuiced as Harry Potter and seven protectors that would fly in pairs to Order safe houses protected with every protective enchantment the Order and the Ministry could provide. It was Moody and Mundungus, Kingsley and Hermione, Me and Ron, Remus and George, Bill and Fleur, Arthur and Fred, and Hagrid and Harry. We were planning on the Death Eaters going for the Harry paired with an Auror and riding a broom. We thought they would aim to kill the protector and capture the Harry. We did not plan on Voldemort himself showing up. He went straight for Moody and Mundungus. Dung got scared and disapparated, the coward. Moody was cursed off his broom. We couldn't even recover his body. I still can't believe he is gone. Somehow, he just seemed impossible to kill.

Bellatrix immediately went after Ron and me, so our hands were full. Voldemort then moved on to Kingsley, the next most senior Auror. Suddenly, he dropped off to attack the real Harry. Apparently Harry had disarmed rather than stunned an imperioused attacker, which would have resulted in him falling to his death. Remus fussed about it later, but I can understand. It is hard to stomach, especially for someone as young and compassionate as Harry. He is only sixteen, after all. At his age, I was getting ready for my last year at Hogwarts, fussing with my mother, and flirting with boys. He is still a child, no matter how close he is to being of age, but he and his friends are thrust into a world full of very adult problems.

Finally Ron and I made it to his Auntie Muriel's, but we missed the portkey to the Burrow. We had to fly there after we had pried our way out of Muriel's hospitality. When we landed, I saw Remus in the yard. My heart stopped because he was covered in blood. As it happened, George got his ear cursed off by our old ally, Severus Snape. If we had any doubts about our true allegiance they are gone now. We drank to the Mad-Eye's memory… Oh Merlin! I drank firewhiskey! Sorry baby! Who knows what that did to tiny little you? I'm some mother aren't I? Let's recount. I brought you into battle, I have homicidal relatives after me, I will bring you into a mad world, and I drank hard liquor. Six weeks and I am already on a roll. I will have to call the healer tomorrow to make sure you are okay.

I can hear your father walking through the door now. I have to go now. I hope you… er we?... sleep well.

Love,

Your Mum

**Love it? Hate it? I won't know unless you tell me. Constructive criticism is always welcome.**


	3. Chapter 2

**If you were confused by last chapter's abrupt ending, so was I. For some reason the last few lines were omitted from the upload. I have fixed it, so you may want to go read it now.**

**Welcome back. Here is the next chapter! Hopefully all is well with this upload.**

**I am not J.K. Rowling or WB. If I was Jo, Tonks and Lupin would not have died. If I was WB, I would not have cut out filming their death scene to make time to convert the film to 3D. Yes, you heard me. That is what happened. I was greatly disappointed in the Davids when I heard. Rant over.**

July 30th, 1998

Dear Baby,

I don't quite know how to tell you how my day was, at least not without using profanity. Going back to the office where I met my now-dead mentor was bad. Going back to said office to be fired was worse. It wasn't your fault, baby. They don't even know about you, which suits me just fine. The Ministry is full of spies, and I can't afford word of you to get to my mother's family. They are Death Eaters, you see. Not Mum, she was disowned for marrying a muggle-born, my Dad. Anyway, they fired me because I married your Dad. We married months ago, and very quietly, but it took them this long to find an excuse to fire me. I turned paperwork in five minutes late, and apparently that demonstrated "lack of dedication to the department and the Ministry." Now as your mother, I should tell you that it is wrong to call people names. As a disgruntled employee, I say Dolores Umbridge is a cow and many other things that are not for a child's ears. She takes great pleasure in making the lives of "half breeds" as miserable as possible. She is the reason your father is unemployable, and now the reason behind me getting sacked. Mere words cannot describe how much I dislike that toad.

Your father is downstairs brooding now. We had a bit of a row, but don't worry, we will make up; we always do. He said that he knew this would happen that it was his fault I lost my job. I told him it would have happened whether I was Mrs. Lupin or not. As a known member of the Order of the Phoenix, I wouldn't have been there much longer. He disagreed, and started to apologize to me. I love him, but he can be so infuriating! Anyway, we both got angry, I started crying, I stormed upstairs, and he stayed downstairs feeling sorry for something that wasn't his fault. I will go downstairs and drag him to bed. Rarely do we go to sleep angry. The world is too uncertain to not reconcile when you don't know if you will wake up in the morning.

I don't quite know how a feel about being dishonorably discharged from the Auror force. I hate paperwork, and I have been on desk duty for a while now. In hindsight, I'm not complaining since that kept you safe. Besides Kingsley, there are not a lot of people in my department I like and he is guarding the muggle minister now. My supposed friends did not agree with my choices, and I told them exactly where they could put their opinions. I've been frustrated with the actions of my government. The ministry will probably fall any day now, and I would rather not be present when it does. Maybe getting fired is a blessing in disguise. It is less dangerous for you, I am free of paperwork, and I don't have to listen to snide remarks from bigots. I am a bit upset to lose the income, but I have enough put aside to last awhile. Yes, my only regret is that I didn't quit before they could fire me. I wish I would have left the Ministry like the Weasley twins left Hogwarts; in a blaze of glory. That really is a great story. You should ask Fred and George to tell it to you someday. Maybe I will take up knitting in my free time. There is something about babies and knitting that just seem to go together. You will need booties, blankets, sweaters, caps… On second thought maybe I will commission Molly to knit you clothes when I tell her. You may not like how my handiwork turns out. I may be able to handle a square blanket.

Well, I better go drag your father to bed before he finds something else to blame himself for.

Good Night Angel,

Mum

**Review pretty please with a cherry on top?**


	4. Chapter 3

**Here is the next chapter. Thank you to all who have reviewed, favorited, or put this story on alert. I hope this is good. I wrote it pretty fast and it is painfully short. As a warning, I am going back to school tomorrow. I probably will not be updating either of my stories as frequently as I am now. I also have an idea for a one shot, so look out for that!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

July 31

Tonight was Harry's birthday party. I decided that tonight was the night. I would tell your father about you after the birthday dinner and it would be great. He has been so moody and distant lately. Seeing our friends outside of an Order meeting would pull him out of his melancholy. He would be in a good, fatherly mood after celebrating his best friend's son becoming a man. In hind sight, maybe that just made him feel older.

I didn't count on the Minister of Magic showing up. We had been waiting to for Arthur to get there before we started dinner, but he was running late. I could tell she was getting more nervous by the minute. Suddenly, Arthur's patronus appeared and said that the minister would be joining him. Since the present Minister happens to be my old boss, Remus felt compelled to pull me away to jump the fence and apparrate with him. I got angry again and asked why he ran out so fast. He said it would look bad for Harry to be seen with us, considering his condition and my being sacked. I didn't bother to point out that Harry isn't exactly on the list on the Ministry's favorite people, I just went upstairs. He's moping again now. The jury is out on who I want to slap more, Remus for his one man crusade against our conjugal happiness or the minister for causing another of his moods. Tonight was supposed to be about love and family... but apparently we cannot go one night without Remus hating himself about something. Tomorrow night, I will tell him. At the wedding or after, I'm not sure, but no matter what he will know!

Once again, baby, I must apologize to you for doing things pregnant ladies ought not to and leave to drag your father to bed. I am sensing a tradition forming, but I hope not. Hopefully when I tell him, he will see how great this really is, a bit of him and a bit of me joined together to make you. (That is a discussion for when you are older. If you are a boy PLEASE ask your father!) Maybe this is just what he needs to be happy again. I am just hormonal enough to believe that.

Good night baby, Love,

Mum

**Please review. If you favorited this story or put it on alert, please tell me what you like about it! Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 4

**I am sorry it has been so long. I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to tell this chapter, and school was crazy, and yada yada yada. I hope it turned out okay.**

**I do not own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling is responsible for Remus leaving his wife and unborn child, so you can't pin that on me.**

August 1

Dear baby,

I told your father tonight. Like everything else in our relationship it went nothing like I planned. We were at Bill and Fleur's wedding and he was being his morose self. He watched the lovely, joyful marriage ceremony and the only comment he made was to apologize to me about our wedding. I told him that I wouldn't have had it any other way. One day I will tell you about my wedding when I am in a better frame of mind. Anyway, I was very happy for Bill and Fleur. I have had quite a soft spot for the Frenchwoman since Bill was mauled by Greyback. He is not a full werewolf, but he will never heal completely. She stayed by his side, surprising everyone, including me. She always seemed so shallow; I must confess I judged her by her beauty. The whole event was the catalyst for your father agreeing to be with me, so I was happy they had their happy moment like we had ours.

The party started, and soon the revelry became less and less constrained. It made me wonder how long I could go before someone noticed I wasn't drinking anything. It is strange what little insignificant things you remember. Everything was going well, and then suddenly Kingsley's patronus appeared on the dance floor. It said that the minister was dead and the ministry had fallen. Baby, we had seen it coming, but hearing it had happened felt like the world was crashing around us. The ministry was backwards and corrupt, but it was on our side, however grudgingly. Now that Voldemort has that on his side, the attacks will be all but unstoppable. The whole party seemed to freeze for an instant, and then they came, death eaters and ministry folk alike. It was chaos. People were disapperating on all sides, but some stayed to fight. Others were forced to stay when antidisapperation wards were set in place. Your father and I were pulled apart by the crowd, and I'm sorry but I couldn't leave him. I fought my way to his side, but a spell caught me in the back and I collapsed into his arms.

When I came to, your father was arguing with a ministry person. They were trying to make all the guests stand facing the wall while they questioned us one by one, but he wouldn't leave me. I recognized the somewhat vague voice of Dawlish, my old coworker. His puppet master clearly hadn't programmed him for this situation because a rough, lucid, and unfamiliar voice stepped in. He told Remus they would start with him, and no, I may not be excluded. I felt him move, I could not yet open my eyes, to place himself between me and the harsh voice. "Now, now," the voice taunted, "We are not here for that. If you cooperate you and your little wife will not be harmed. Tell me where to find Harry Potter."

I suspected I was now able to open my eyes, but deemed it more prudent to remain limp and unresponsive. I was terrified, baby. I wasn't scared for myself; I have taken my share of curses in my time and have decided that there are worse things than physical pain. I was afraid whatever they did to me would harm you. An unconscious target would not be as entertaining, though the death eater would likely enjoy seeing Remus' anguish. I will attempt to record the conversation as faithfully as possible, but of course some will slip through the cracks. Your father said that we didn't know where he went. He didn't see his face at the wedding, and Harry told no one where he was going.

"Don't you care about your wife at all, Mr. Lupin? Answer truthfully this time, or I am afraid things will not remain so civil." The death eater's voice was low and dangerous. I braced myself for whatever was about to come.

I felt your father cringe and move closer to me. "I swear to you I tell the truth! My answer will not change even under vertiaserum. Unless you want me to lie, I can give you no location." In my head, I applauded his careful use of half-truths. For an honest man, he is a very good liar.

"Very well. I warn you, if any of the others refute your statement your wife will pay the price." Remus stiffened, then slouched back with a gasp. I began to feel panic rising inside me until he stirred and began to speak.

"I see Severus Snape has taught you a thing or two about legilimancy. Unfortunately you have not yet matched him in skill. He would have blown through the block I threw up, but you stumbled and pulled out. Why does he not come and take care of it all himself? Is he too great a coward to look the ones he betrayed in the eyes?"

"Severus Snape is otherwise engaged this evening. He is accompanying Bellatrix Lestrange and Yaxley to the last place Potter was seen. I believe you know Mr. and Mrs. Tonks. Bellatrix was quite looking forward to paying her sister a visit." My blood ran cold at the mention of your grandparents. I didn't have to fight to keep my face blank because I was too shocked to move a muscle. The Death Eater must have left us, because I felt your father take me into his arms and stroke my face. I vaguely registered that he was begging me to open my eyes. I pried them open, but then the tears came.

Ordinarily, I would have been ashamed to cry in the middle of an attack but I was much too upset to care about my tears. He whispered reassurances to me, but I was beyond comfort; some strange combination of fear, hormones, and absolute terror seemed to have overtaken me. "Shut up you wife, Lupin, or I will shut her up for you!" He rocked me in his arms and begged me to be quiet. In some strangely detached part of my mind I thought what a good father he would be. I quieted down and took in my surroundings. Fleur was wrapped in Bill's arm, angry tears streaming down her pretty, pale face. Your father can say what he pleases about our small wedding; it was peaceful. Bill and Fleur's wedding day will always be remembered as a day of terror. The ministry officials and death eaters were questioning the guests individually with varying degrees of brutality. The confiscated wands were tossed in a pile like the meager beginnings of a funeral pyre.

Finally, they left and after a rush to reclaim the unguarded wands, everyone gave their congratulations to the now somewhat-unhappy couple and rushed home. Soon, only the Weasley's and the Delacour's were left. We hung back. Bill, Charlie, and Arthur volunteered to go with Remus to check on my parents and I was handed over to Molly for looking over. Mr. Delacour, Fred, and George were told to stay behind and stand guard outside despite their protests. Mrs. Delacour remained outside with them and sent a very shake Gabrielle to her room. The bride and her new mother-in-law supported me and walked me to the couch. Ginny followed behind carrying my wand. By then I was sobbing again and Molly was asking me where I hurt and assured me that my parents were fine. She was saying whatever she thought would placate me while Fleur rubbed my back awkwardly. Finally I was able to tell her I was pregnant. She, Ginny, and Fleur all stared at me with wide eyes. When she overcame her shock, Molly asked if Remus knew. I shook my head miserably and buried my face in my hands. I had never regretted not telling him about you more. I was so afraid that you were hurt and the only thing he would ever know about your life was that I hid you from him until I miscarried. I wish that I could feel you there, to know that you are okay, but it is still too soon. I couldn't live with myself if I lost you.

Everything came out in a kind of rush. All my hopes and fears and doubts fell from my lips without any permission from me. It was a great relief to finally share your life with someone else. My only regret was that neither your father nor my mother was the first to know. Then I realized that I couldn't even go to St. Mungo's for a checkup. With Voldemort in control, it would be too dangerous. Molly sprang into action. Fleur was instructed to help me lay on the couch and Ginny was dispatched to make tea and fetch her home healer's bag. She picked up a pinch of floo powder and called on Madam Pomfrey. Within a moment, they and the old matron had reassembled at my bedside. Molly and Ginny each held one of my hands while Madam Pomfrey ran her wand over my flat stomach which seemed to emit a pale silver glow like a patronus. She assured me that you were fine. I began to weep tears of joy and placed my hand over the spot where I imagined you to be. Madam Pomfrey gave me instructions to avoid stress, drink lots of water and eat more fruits and vegetables. Molly assured me that she would help if I had any questions. I asked how to get rid of morning sickness. She laughed, but suggested that I eat a bit at a time to keep my stomach from being empty.

A patronus landed in the middle of the room, a silver wolf that spoke with your father's voice. He assured me that my parents were fine, if a bit shaken up. The death eaters were gone by the time they arrived. He and the others would be back soon. Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Madam Pomfrey took her leave with a promise to check in as often as she could, though she cautioned me that she was not a midwife. I told her that I couldn't afford to be picky.

The men looked very tired when the stumbled over the threshold. Remus rushed to my side and asked if I was okay. The three women gave me a meaningful glance, then ushered everyone out of the livingroom and into the kitchen for tea. I told Remus that we were fine. The plural confused him. I told him about you. He didn't take it as well as I had hoped. He immediately pulled me to the floo and dragged me home. I wondered what Molly would think when she saw the empty couch; probably that we had gone to celebrate the blissful news in private.

He sat me on the couch in our little sitting room and started to pace the carpet. I asked him to please say something. He said he was leaving. For a moment I was too shocked to react. Then I followed him to the bedroom where he was throwing armfuls of our clothes in to separate bags. I begged him to please stop and reconsider. He told me he made a "grave error" when marrying me. His words cut me and I started to cry and felt the color leave my hair. He told me it was best that he leave. Our marriage had already cost me my job and put me in the line of fire. A baby, he said, was unthinkable. He was certain that you would be just like him, and even if you weren't it would be better for both of us if he wasn't around. I threw my arms around him and begged him not to make me do this alone. He pushed me away and told me to go to my mother's; she and Molly would do more for me than he ever could. He slung his bag over his shoulder and rushed toward the door. I followed behind calling his name. I told him I loved _him_. He paused in the process of throwing on his worn cloak and for a moment I felt a glimmer of hope. "I love you, too, Dora," he said, "That is why I have to leave." He told me he would contact Arthur or Molly occasionally to check in a made me promise to send word to when you were born and after your first full moon. In turn, he apologized for all he had done to hurt me and promised to never darken my doorstep again. I felt my anger flare up and I hissed, "Like knocking me up and leaving me?" He said he was sorry for that too. He kissed my forehead one more time, and stared at my face for a long moment, carefully avoiding my eyes, which he saved for last. He released me, wished us a safe and happy life far away from his harmful influence, and left. I continued to scream his name long after he had left with a crack of disapperation. After I had cried myself out on the front steps of the porch, I did as he suggested.

I am now back in my childhood room, lamenting my failed marriage. I don't blame you, baby. I am sure he would have left me for some other reason soon enough. There wasn't enough room in our relationship for me, him, and his self-hatred. I feel so stupid and naïve to think that I missed so many signs. He detached long ago, and I didn't even notice. I'm sure he loves you, and this is the only way he can think to show it. I must confess that I am angry at him, even if I defended him to my mother and father. They were very angry when I stumbled through the door with a suitcase and told them the story. Dad was ready to go look for Remus himself and I am pretty sure Remus would not have walked away from that encounter in any kind of good condition.

I see I have written a lot. I hope I didn't bore you or scare you or hurt your feelings. I needed to write all this down, if only just to make sense of it in my head. It is amazing, just last night I wrote that I was afraid of making a tradition of apologizing for messing up being a mother-to-be and then dragging your father to bed. Now I would give everything to have him brooding downstairs. I suppose now I can only apologize for messing up in the worst way yet. I got you stuck in the middle of a fight and I lost your father. I am sorry, baby. Whatever small consolation it is, you still have me.

I'm sorry, baby. Love,

Mum

**Read and Review. Please? How about this? The more you review, the sooner Remus will come home. Nah, I'm not that evil. Or am I? Hmmm….**


	6. Chapter 5

**Well… that was embarrassing! Here's what I **_**actually**_** meant to post last night! Sorry about that. As a peace offering I may hurry up and post something sweet for Valentine's Day. Enjoy the **_**real**_** chapter 5…**

**Hello! I am sad to say I have nothing for Holding it Together written, but I know where it is going (I think) so I should be updating after my exams on Wednesday. On another note, I just saw **_**Woman In Black**_** with my friend for a film as lit class assignment/happy birthday to me trip. Holy. Crap. Soooo creepy but so good. I had no trouble with "oh look it's Harry!" because the roles and the films themselves are so different. I have not been scared of the dark for a long time, but now I might be again. I know what I am wearing for Halloween next year. Now I just need to get my hands on a deep mourning habit.**

August 2

Dear baby,

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and panicked when I reached for your father. My hand searched the bed beside me, and it kept searching farther and farther until my fingers met with the air on the other side much sooner than it should have. I then opened my eyes and last night came rushing back and knocked the breath out of me. I quietly pulled on my robes and crept into the kitchen to leave a note for my parents. Gone home, be back soon. No, that wasn't right. I wasn't going home. The cottage wasn't home without him there. I tore up the scrap and started again. Gone out, be back soon.

I stood in our little house, alone in our equally little bedroom. I perched on the bed careful to avoid his side. I am amazed that we managed to drift so far apart so quickly within these close walls, in this bed almost too small for two people but much too big for one. Everything was just as it had always been. The pile of dirty laundry peeked behind the door to the washroom. It was my turn to take care of the laundry; if it had been his it would be done already. His reading glasses that I had teased him mercilessly about were perched on the bedside table atop a worn copy of a defense book. A chipped mug sat on my side of the bed, the coffee he brought me the previous morning even colder than the sheets that still smelled like him but retained none of his warmth. Next to the cup an alarm clock read the time, three o'clock. In a few hours it would go off to wake up the woman who wasn't sleeping and the man that wasn't there. The only sign that the couple that lived and loved here were now gone was the empty wardrobe sitting wide open in the corner. A sudden chill overcame me and I grabbed a random article of knit clothing. It was one of his jumpers; a slightly less shabby blue one that I had given him for Christmas two years ago. He had said that he didn't expect a gift from me, though he presented me with. And wore the jumper often to prove to me he really did like it. I pulled it over my head and breathed his scent in deeply.

Down stairs there was no sign at all of our departure. The fire burned low in the hearth, chasing away the chill but giving the room an eerie glow. My boots were at the end of the couch where I had kicked them off the day before when I had collapsed on the cushions with my head in his lap. He had stroked my hair quietly before it was time to get dressed for the wedding. The blanket was tossed haphazardly across the cushions were I had thrown it when I got up. The Daily Prophet he had abandoned was on the table in a neatly folded stack. It was so easy to believe that he had just walked into the other room and would be back any moment.

I sat down on the couch and must have fallen asleep, because it was the green flames that woke me up. I pulled my wand and leapt to my feet. Ginny was standing in front of the floo. I didn't lower my wand. She held up her hands in surrender and told me her full name, what I had told her last night, and a few other details a death eater couldn't have thought to find out. I lowered my wand and pulled her into a sisterly hug. She looked upset so I asked her what the matter was and if anyone was hurt. She shook her head. She sniffles a bit and then asked me how I could take it when Remus left me. That took me aback. I asked her how they already knew he had left. Her eyes went wide; apparently she didn't. She said she came because she was missing Harry and she wanted to talk. I had told her at Dumbledore's funeral that persistence was key, just look at me and Remus. Now I wasn't so confident.

She couldn't believe Remus left me with you on the way. She was angry, but I talked her out of her anger. In the end she said she felt sorry for all three of us. I told her that I would be fine, and I'm pretty sure I meant it. After reassuring her that I was fine, I told her I had to go back Mum's house. She caught the hint and made me promise to drop by soon before leaving through the floo.

Your grandma was very worried when I returned. She said after last night it wasn't safe to be out alone. I said I forgot something at my house, but I had no answer when she asked to see the item I had left to retrieve. She looked at me sadly and said that torturing myself with the past wouldn't bring it back. I nodded, but did not answer; I just went up to my room. She followed behind, calling your father every foul thing that she could think of. I rounded on her and told her to stop. I understand your father's motives, baby, even if they are illogical. He didn't leave because he didn't love us. When I told her as much, she looked at me skeptically and said she supposed I would take him back in an instant. I told her I didn't know. I really don't. It is not just me anymore. I would let him break my heart again and again because we have moments of perfect happiness, but I will not allow him to be that way with you. I am alone now, still thinking. All I can think of is how lonely I am. I wish I could feel you, just so I know you are here with me.

Love,

Mum

**Review please? I love hearing from all of you! It makes my day!**


	7. Chapter 6

**I wrote this pretty quickly, so I hope it is good. It has been eating at me for a while now, so here it goes. I thought of the idea during chapter 11 of About a Boy, where Marcus reads Fiona's suicide note. It was a great book and I highly recommend it. I am watching the movie tonight for film class. It features Hugh Grant and a young Natalia Tena. I hope it is as good as the book, but I heard that a lot was changed.**

**I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be watching films for fun in my home theater, not for the aforementioned film class in my friend's dorm.**

August 3

Dear Baby,

A letter came for you today, from your father. I got one as well, assuring me he was safe and looking for Harry. He also apologized for making contact with me, told me he loved you and me very much, and once again wished us the best. I could read between the lines. What he meant was, _Don't do anything stupid that will get both you killed, Dora_. He told me he wanted me to be happy, whatever that took, even if it meant marrying again. He told me a divorce wasn't necessary; the Ministry had already decreed our marriage invalid. I wanted to scream. Am I the only one that our marriage meant anything at all to? I know one thing. I will never remarry. I promise I will do my very best to raise you alone. I may not be cheerful for a while, but I am sure that will come back in time. I look more fit to be a mother with brown hair than pink anyway. Then he signed the letter, _Love, Your Remus._ My heart melted a bit, because that told me that there would never be anyone else for him either.

I don't know if reading his letter to you works in utero, so I am including both yours and mine in here, like it is part of our conversations. Besides, keeping it here means I won't lose them or him in a way. I am sure you will be glad to have them one day. I won't make any comments on it; just let you draw your own conclusions and make your own opinions. I will say it made me cry a bit, but I believe every word he said.

Love,

Mum

August 2

Dear Baby,

I know you probably hate me, and nothing I can write here will change that. Maybe one day when you are older you will understand what I did and why I did it. Hopefully, you never will never fully understand, because that would mean that you inherited my disease. Truthfully, I am more scared of that than anything. I am scared of you inheriting it and your mother having to take care of two of us. If she has to take care of one of us, I would much rather it be you. I am scared of infecting you after you are born during a full moon. I am scared that being my son will make your life harder.

Even if I had stayed, you would have hated me. I would have doomed you to a life of poverty and ridicule. Trust me, you are much better off with me gone. Maybe I will die in some heroic way and you can be proud of that. I don't know what your mother will tell you about me, but whatever she says I am sure she will make much more of me that I was. Even if she says bad things, I am sure I deserve them. I see now exactly how great I have harmed your mother by marrying her. She is so young, vibrant, and talented. I am old, decrepit, monstrous, and poor. I was a burden to her at best.

I want you to know that I love you and your mother very much. I did not leave because I didn't want you; I left because I could never deserve either of you. I love you enough that I can stay away to keep you both safe from harm, even if the danger is me.

I feel like there is so much to say, and I can't even begin to say it. I'm not sure it is even my place to say some of the things I want to. Please forgive me, Baby. I hope you live a safe and happy life, in a much better world than I ever knew. Above all, know that I love you, and will continue to love you with my dying breath.

Goodbye, Love always,

Your Dad

**Review please? Happy Late Mardi Gras and Pancake Day! Happy Ash Wednesday, if that is the right sentiment. Please don't give up reviewing for Lent!**


	8. Chapter 7

**Here is the next chapter, if a bit later than I expected. In case you were all in suspense wondering how **_**About a Boy**_** was, it was good but very different from the book. I give them both thumbs up. I have midterms this week, and a massive paper coming up, so be warned that updates may be put off. On to the chapter! I know this still isn't happy, but I have to get through this before we get to the fun stuff!**

**If I owned Harry Potter, I would be buried in money, not classwork.**

August 5

Dear Baby,

Things have only gotten worse. Your father still hasn't returned and I am afraid he means to stay away this time. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, after all he did say he would not come back. It is just that he said that every time before as well. I suppose deep in my heart I am still holding on to the hope that he will come to his senses. This is delusional, of course; if your father is anything, it is hard-headed. His continued absence is not why things are worse. I swore to you and myself that I would pick up the pieces and move on without him, and I will. I have accepted that your father is most likely not going to return. What makes it worse is, now my father is gone as well.

The Ministry is demanding that all muggle-borns submit to interrogation. We are sure that soon the arrests will begin. This has You-Know-Who's name all over it. (Usually I would say his name because you should call things by what they are and not let a name increase your fear, but Kingsley discovered the Taboo the other day. Anyone who says the name will have snatchers on them in a heartbeat. I am not sure whether or not writing works the same way, so I am just going to be safe). Dad knew they would come for him soon, and when they did they would not hesitate to attack Mum and me. He figured the best way to protect us was to go into hiding alone. I bet you can guess who that sounds like. They both assume that he is more justified in leaving than Remus just because the danger is actually real. Mum was the one who suggested that they run away together, but he told her she should stay with me. Her pureblood status will protect her. She was sad, sure, but she supported his decision and said he was very brave. They don't understand that to Remus, the danger he posed to me and you is just as real as the danger the ministry poses is to Dad. Danger doesn't have to be real to be scary.

I will admit that I am scared, Baby. I am scared of losing my father. I am scared you will never know yours. I have always been a daddy's girl. I love my Mum, but she is so proper and strict sometimes. Mum and I butted heads through my teenage years and we still do occasionally, but Dad was always there to keep the peace. It feels wrong without him here, too quiet. Mum is crying all the time now. She tries to hide it from me, but I know she is worried. I need your father more than ever, but I know I am alone. I don't want to talk to Mum because she is already upset, and I don't want to talk to Molly because I know she is upset about Harry, Ron, and Hermione disappearing.

I will be okay, I have faith in that. Things are sure to get better, even if I can't see how. If nothing else, you will be coming and I know that will make me very happy.

Love,

Mum

**Love it? Hate it? I won't know unless you tell me. Please review!**


	9. Chapter 8

**I didn't realize just how long it has been since I have updated this. I have been very busy and yada yada yada and I got carried away with my other fic. There is my excuse, even if it is not too great. I hope you all like this chapter and I will try to have the next one up soon (I am pretty sure the next one will be the favorite so far. I may even write a non-diary oneshot to go with it). Anyway... on with the chapter!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>August 6<p>

Dear Baby,

Not much has changed. Molly came by to check on me yesterday and today. She and Mum have decided that keeping busy will distract them from all the bad things going on. I suppose I was the obvious choice. It is not that I am ungrateful for all their motherly advice, but they are suffocating me. All day they waited on me hand and foot and presented sewing and knitting patterns for my approval.

All things considered, Mum is taking the whole idea of being a Gran very well. After she (mostly) got over wanting to kill your father and saw that I was happy, she was very happy as well. In fact, everyone seems happy about it when they come to congratulate me. I think I know why everyone wants to come visit me and put their hand on my stomach. You are a ray of sunshine in a very dark place. You remind us all what we ate fighting for. I wish your father was here to share in the happiness, but the darkness was just too much for him to find his way in. I think it is harder for some people to recognize the good when all they've really known has been bad. Your father is one of those people.

I'm hiding in the attic now. I need some time alone to think. Mum and Molly seem to believe that I will fall to pieces the moment they leave me alone. They are wrong. I am through crying and falling apart, even though I am sure I will have my moments every now and again. I have to move on and be happy with what I have. I didn't plan on being a single mum, or a mum at all quite honestly, but that is what I life threw at me. I am going to make the very best of it that I can. I have decided that I am going to be okay; better than okay, actually. I will be happy with our little family of two. You and I are going to be happy someday very soon, and I can't wait.

Today makes about seven weeks for us. My book says that you are about the size of a blueberry. That is pretty small to be wreaking such havoc on my body. My chest is sore, my pants are tight, and I am still throwing up almost every morning. Quite honestly, I feel like a sea sick whale. A happy sea sick whale, though, I promise. If tomorrow I am depressed again, don't worry. I am almost positive it is the mood swings. I am also finding the urge to eat everything, and I am not exaggerating. This is one of the times when having two people at your beck and call comes in handy. They didn't even look at me weird when I wanted strawberries and tuna. Together. Thinking about it now kind of makes me queasy.

I've got to go. I think they found me. I am sort of hungry again anyway. Seeing as you are the size of a blueberry I am pretty sure it is the cravings that are making my pants tight and not you. Oh, well. Maybe I will just take a nap instead, that has become one of my—our?—favorite pass times. Sweet dreams, baby!

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>I feel like now is a good time to mention that I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant. Everything I know about pregnancy I read off parenting websites or learned when my cousin had her baby. I am sorry for any inaccuracies. Mothers, please PM me and set me straight!<strong>

**Reviews please? They make me very, very happy.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Okay, I know this was latter than I said it was going to be, but I had exams, writer's block, and I was sick. This was hard to write just because I didn't know how to approach it. I don't write a blow by blow account, just because I can't see Tonks giving Teddy every detail in a fight she had with Remus. I will be writing a oneshot that covers both of their perspectives more thoroughly while I am gone camping (or as close to camping as I get) and I will post it when I get back. I suppose all their is to say is enjoy, and Happy Easter!**

**I do not own Harry Potter.**

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><p>August 8<p>

Dear Baby,

I can now truthfully tell you I am happy. There is no trying anymore; I really am happy—optimistic even. Your father came home late last night. Of course, I am still sort of afraid to trust him to stay, but we have made a deal. Next time he feels unsure, he will talk it over with me before he runs out. I told him he is playing for keeps now; the next time he walks out the door he isn't coming back. Maybe I was unnecessarily harsh, and maybe I will find it very hard to back up my promise, but I truly think this is how it has to be. I can't do this anymore and you should not be subjected to it either.

He scared me half to death when he came. I was feeling sick at the time (whoever decided to call it morning sickness was hopeful to the point of utter foolishness) so I was awake to hear the ward alarms go off. In hindsight your father is lucky I didn't curse him into next week. The paranoia has been going strong since Dad left and the mother bear protective instincts are only adding fuel to the fire. He stood at the front door calling my name for about five minutes before I answered him with a wand in his face and a security question, or rather a short series of them. Once again I think I was unnecessarily cruel and I feel a bit ashamed. I told him to repeat our wedding vows, and then I told him to tell me how he broke them. I asked him what the last thing he said about our marriage before he left was. Then, perhaps worst of all, I asked him why he came back.

It is strange. I have never been vindictive where he is concerned, but I felt like I needed to rub salt in his wounds just to know they were there. That was the first time I truly realized I resented him. I suppose I was so busy trying to defend him, I never thought about how I felt. It all hit me at once when I saw him there. I felt betrayed, unappreciated, patronized, and abandoned. I know these feelings were illogical and he was only trying to do what was best for you and me, but my mind wasn't in control in that moment. I said and did horrible things that I know I will regret for the rest of my life. Your father didn't even try to defend himself; he just stood there and took it. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms crying and apologizing and telling him I loved him. He just held me and said he was sorry for leaving us. I could hear the tears in his voice.

It was a long time before we could manage any kind of coherent discussion. When we did, we agreed on the things I said in the beginning, namely that he left us again he wouldn't come back. By this time I was exhausted. I began my way up the stairs to the bedroom, and quickly noticed there were no footsteps following me. I turned to see Remus stretching out on the couch. I asked him what he was doing. He said he didn't want to assume I was ready to share a bed with him again yet. I just grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him to bed. I wasn't going to let him out of my sight. Come to think of it, I don't think I let go of his hand for the rest of the night. I do know I got the best night's sleep I had in a week.

Breakfast this morning was… awkward. Remus and I were fine; it was Mum that was taking issue. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't quick with a shielding charm. She settled for yelling things that made what I said last night seem mild. If I could have found a way to cover your ears, I would have. I finally got her to cut off her tirade. I could tell that she was on the verge of tossing your father out, so I informed her that if he left, I was leaving too. She humphed and went to brood in her room. I am sure she will come around. She has always had a bit of a soft spot for your dad.

Things are finally looking up, baby. I know that the world is still falling apart outside our door, but in here I finally feel safe. Time will heal our relationship, and I think it may even be better than before. We have cleared the air. Now, we can move forward as a family. I am so glad that I am not doing this alone anymore.

Just so you know, my hair was pink when I woke up this morning.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>I am honestly a bit nervous about this chapter, so feedback will be very appreciated! Reviewers will get imaginary Easter candy!<strong>


	11. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the long gap between updates, but school has been draining the life out of me. Seriously, I am either in class, doing homework, working, eating, or sleeping. Sometimes I multitask and nap in between paragraphs. Two more weeks and freedom is mine! After that, I should fall into a more predictable schedule of updates because all I will have to worry about is work and a couple of camps I chaperon. Anyway, I know this is short, but it is the best I could do at the moment.**

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><p>August 10<p>

Dear Baby,

Your dad and gran seem to have launched themselves into some sort of unvoiced competition. Well not really, as Mum is the only one who seems to be keeping score. Your dad is just being his normal overly-concerned self. Between the two of them, I barely have to lift a finger. Your dad would probably carry me around to house if I asked him to. I had to talk him out of carrying me down the stairs because he was afraid I would fall. I know he is trying to be the best husband and dad-to-be he possibly can to make it up to me. It would get a bit irritating if I wasn't so happy to have him back.

If I had to choose a winner, I think I am leaning towards Remus. It is nothing against Mum, but there are some things she can't do. Since his return, your father has barely left my side, which is fine by me because I don't think I would let him. He gets up with me in the middle of the night when I feel sick and he always does his best to find me whatever food I am craving. He rubs my feet even though they haven't started to swell yet. I think it was his presence I missed the most. No matter how hard Mum tries, she will never be able to fill that void. Remus and I are in this together now. It is one thing to talk about your baby with your mother and quite another to plan with your husband.

His new favorite thing to do is rub my stomach in the spot right over where you are. I told him it will still be a few weeks before he felt anything, but he still runs his hand absentmindedly over the tiny bump whenever we curl up together. Sometimes he even talks to you. They say that helps babies develop. I wonder if you can really hear us, but I like talking to you anyway. They also say reading is good too, so your dad had decided he is going to start gathering kids' books to read. I swear he is determined to make you into a bookworm just like him.

I know he is still scared; that's okay, I am too. I think the further along I get the less scared he will be. I feel better now that he is back. I know I talked a big game about being a single Mum, but when I see him look at us with that tender look in his eyes, I can't imagine a family that doesn't include him. That is how I feel when he talks to you or rubs my stomach. I feel like we are finally a family.

It almost doesn't seem fair that I am so happy in the middle of a war. I know everything is falling apart. My dad, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are gone and I worry about them night and day. So many people all around us our hurting, but we are happy. I know it is especially hard for my mother. My husband came back, but she doesn't even know where dad is. I know she is happy for me, but I know this makes her feel even lonelier. Before, she and I were alone together. Now that Remus is home, she feels edged out. Maybe now her resentment makes more sense. I know she will come around, but I really hope Dad comes home soon.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>Love it? Hate it? Please let me know and Review!<strong>


	12. Chapter 11

**Finally! An update! I thought this semester was going to kill me, but it is over now! I am out of school, so hopefully I can settle into some sort of updating schedule. I hope this is good, because I wrote it really fast when I was a work. Please read and review to tell me what you think.**

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><p>August 15<p>

Dear Baby,

Is it possible to experience panic and complete boredom at the same time? I think I am there. There are many things I anticipated a war being: terrifying, hectic, heart wrenching, difficult… boring was not one of those things. After years of working overtime at the Auror office and then even more hours with the Order, it feels strange to be doing absolutely nothing. If anything, this is when I thought the action would pick up. It is not as if I am bored because I am on maternity leave. Everyone in the Order is doing the exact same thing. I haven't been writing much, because not much is going on. I suppose if I was going to do a dramatic retelling of the war one day, I could make it sound a bit more exciting. Something like, "The members of the Order of the Phoenix were forced into hiding by both the Death Eaters and the Ministry. They were scattered, and their spy system had collapsed. They felt cut off and the never knew what the next day would bring."

The thing is—all of that is true. When you say it like that, it sounds like we live everyday overcome by panic. Sure, we are all scared, but it is shocking how quickly living on the edge of disaster becomes the new normal. Maybe it is because I have flirted with the edge for most of my life. If I weren't pregnant, I think I may have actually gone insane by now. At least the pregnancy makes me want to nap a lot. A benefit of having a werewolf husband is that he is tired most of the time anyway, so he is more than willing to lay down with me. Unfortunately, I am still sick a great deal. My book assures me that morning sickness means you are doing well. You must be doing positively fantastic, because I am as sick as a dog. I can't even be in the room when you Dad or Gran cooks anymore because my nose is so hypersensitive. Mum and Molly assure me that this will pass soon. I love you Baby, but I am not enjoying this part. The other times are fine.

Your Dad and Gran seem to have come to an understanding; at least she has started to leave us alone more and isn't glaring as much at meal times. That is good in the sense that Remus feels much better and less guilty. The down side is that I have lost one of my sources of entertainment. I must confess, I have always half-enjoyed a good argument, and my mother has always been one of my favorite opponents. Whenever she made some snide comment, we would get into it, Remus would talk us down. Mum got to voice all her complaints and worries, Remus got to play the good, sensible one, and I had something to divert my attention and vent my frustration. Everyone wins.

I suppose I will have to find a new way to occupy my time. Maybe I will take up knitting. There is something so _maternal_ about it. Molly seems to enjoy it, so it is worth a shot. I can make you baby blankets and caps and all sorts of things. Except, I don't know if you are a boy or a girl so I don't know what color to make anything—not that I'm planning on dressing you in just pink if you are a girl. I am not one of those Mums. Well, your dad is reorganizing the bookshelf for the third time this week. I think he needs my help. I am truly desperate for entertainment when alphabetizing is the most exciting thing I can think of. On the plus side, if I do this often enough maybe you will learn your alphabet before you are even born. I will just tell myself that.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>Love it! Hate it? Please review.<strong>


	13. Chapter 12

**In honor of Father's Day and Dads everywhere we are hearing from Remus this chapter! Sorry it took so long to update, but I have been busy with Vacation Bible School, a friend's wedding and so on. I hope this is good enough to make up for the wait! Please review to let me know.**

**I have a quick little message. For those that don't know, there will be a quidditch exhibition at the Olympics in London this year. I know the Team USA is selling jerseys for fundraisers, so if you are interested in supporting Team USA, check it out. You can specify for your purchase to benefit a certain player or players or the team as a whole. Australia, France, I think Canada, and of course the UK are sending teams as well. There may be others that I have missed. Go to the IQA website to learn how you can support your home team!**

**I do not own Harry Potter. I only wish I did.**

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><p>August 17<p>

Dear Baby,

This is your Dad. It is strange to see it down on paper. I never believed I would have children; I never thought I would find a woman to love me. When your mother told me about you, I regret that I did not react well. I was scared, Baby, for all the reasons I said in my letter. There are a few things in it that I need to put right, so I am borrowing your mother's journal-with her permission, of course. Never try to pull on over on your mother; she will catch you. Your mother says hello, by the way. She is now playing solitaire for at least the hundredth time today. Being in hiding does not suit a woman of her energy level.

I hope you are like her, not me. I am not only speaking of the lycanthropy. I hope you have her enthusiasm for life and her never failing optimism. I hope you have her confidence and bravery.

I hope you open your heart to love and be loved. I made the biggest mistake of my life by shutting you and your mother out. I thought I was doing what was best, but I was really just scared. The more I thought about it, the more I could see I was wrong. If you are a werewolf, and I pray you aren't, I won't love you any less. I will still believe that you deserve a happy life. You are my child and I couldn't want anything less for you. I don't want you to shut yourself off like I have for years. I owe it to both of us to be happy, if only to prove to you that a werewolf can have a happy life and a loving family. Your mother was right all along. She usually is.

The two of you have turned my life around. The two of you are my greatest blessing and I am forever grateful to your mother for seeing something in me when I couldn't see it in myself. I hope that I can be a father that you can be proud of. I promise to do my very best. I love you, Baby, and I want to tell you that every day as long as I live. I have never been happier than I am than I am now. I can see that you mother is happy, too. I never understood why people say a pregnant woman is glowing until I saw her face when we both place our hands over her tiny baby bump. I am still wonderstruck by the whole thing. The news hasn't quite settled in yet. I only know that I am very excited to meet you and be a father. I am looking forward to doing all the dad things. I can't promise I will always do it perfectly, but I can promise that I will always do my best.

Love,

Dad

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><p><strong>Sorry it is a bit short and not my best work. Please let me know what you think in a review.<strong>


	14. Chapter 13

**Hello everybody! Sorry this took so long to update! Thank you for not abandoning this story. I lost my inspiration for this story for awhile, but now it is back and I have a pretty good idea of what next chapter will entail. I wish I had a longer chapter for you or at least a more exciting one, but it does set up future events so I promise it is relevant!**

**Your comments and advice mean a lot to me, so please review! :)**

**I still don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>Dear Baby,<p>

I have never liked grocery shopping. Truthfully, my first year out on my own, no matter what I ran out of, I refused to go to the store more than once a week and usually I could stretch it out to a biweekly event. This was only partially because I was broke and too proud to borrow from my parents. This become less of a problem once the Auror paychecks started to come in. Just so you know, you shouldn't be afraid to borrow from me and dad. Hopefully by the time you are trying to start your adult life, You-Know-Who will be long gone and your dad and I will be working.

That brings me back to grocery shopping. I assure you, I am not so bored that rambling to you about my domestically challenged late-teenaged years is the best I can think of to do. I am bring it up because no matter how much I dreaded food shopping, it never made me fear for my life and I never thought it could make me a widow. I took being able to walk to the store without looking over my shoulder for granted when I was young. Now, I can only sit at home and worry myself sick while your dad leaves to do it.

I suppose I knew the day would come when we would have to go out in public for something, but it always managed to slip through the cracks when I ran down the list of things to worry about—and believe me, when you have nothing to do but sit around the house and worry all day, that is no mean feat. I worry that the house will be attacked. I worry about Dad. I worry about your father's health. I worry about my mother worrying about Dad. I worry about you and how I can possibly care for you properly with the world in the state it's in. The list goes on and on, but somehow something as mundane as grocery shopping never made the list—until this morning, that is.

Luckily for my nerves, we have decided to try to relapse to my old biweekly schedule. The only difference is now the trip is planned with military precision. The stores are carefully reviewed, a list is made, and the method of attack is revised until every member of the household can recite it from memory, even though Remus is pretty much going it alone.

Another difference between now and my trainee days is that there is no doing without some important food group and living off dry cereal. Your father won't allow it, and I have to admit he is right. I do have to eat well for the two of us. The nutritional supplement Madam Pomfrey gave me can only do so much. If I weren't pregnant we would probably fight about it and watch each other waste away until someone succeeded in sneaking out for food while the other finally dropped off to sleep. Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but the truth is that you being around has forced us all into something resembling good nutrition.

All things considered, we are making it remarkably well. Everyone is starting to find their bearings, so to speak. We don't feel quite so out of touch now. Molly and Ginny come by a few times a week and occasionally they bring Fleur with them. Kingsley drops in to check in on us and talk business if he has heard anything at all. The Order is trying to pull itself back up. The spy network is still pretty sparse, but it is improving. I feel pretty useless sitting at home worrying about grocery shopping. At this point I would even welcome paperwork do I could feel useful. We are going to attempt to pull together a meeting soon. Hopefully we will be able to make some progress then. Our main issue is communication. Even if we know something to help the people, we have no way to get it out. The Quibbler is still printing the truth, but the Prophet and the WWN are taking the Ministry line as usual. It was bad before, but now that the Ministry is under Death Eater control, it is more dangerous than ever.

Baby, I hope this is a short war. I don't want you to remember the confusion and the fear of this time. I want you to have a carefree and happy childhood, one in which your greatest fear is monsters under the bed.

I just head the crack of apparation and Remus is headed for the door now. Thank you for listening to me vent out all my fears. Goodnight, Baby.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>So, what do you think? Who knew grocery shopping could turn into Mission Impossible? I know it is not super exciting, but I'm sure it would be a big concern for people in hiding. Please leave me a review to let me know!<strong>


	15. Chapter 14

**Woo hoo! I updated in under a month this time! Yes, I know I am a loser author and I admire all of my readers for their patience. Thanks for sticking with me!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter. I do own tickets to a J.K. Rowling signing. Actually, I don't even own that yet because I haven't paid my friend for mine yet. Doesn't matter. I'm still excited!**

**On with the chapter. Enjoy!**

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><p>August 28<p>

Dear Baby,

The meeting tonight had a better turn out than could be expected. We travelled by an (unauthorized) untraceable port key. Madame Pomfrey assured us port key was safe, but apparation was to be avoided. We met at the burrow, though we will probably abandon that location soon for security reasons. I know Molly doesn't want to leave the first place Ron, Harry, and Hermione would come home to look for them, but I'm not sure how much longer they can stay. Even if they can carry on living there, we can't risk keeping headquarters in one place. Tonight was a farewell of sorts to the homiest command post ever had by a secret society. All the Weasleys were there, of course. They accounted for the bulk of our numbers now. Molly even let Ginny go to the meeting. I suppose there is no point to sheltering her anymore. Hestia came with well wishes from Dedaleaus, who was still watching the Dursleys. She seemed to be relieved to escape the safe house and Harry's horrible relations. I can't blame her. I would have probably hexed the lot of them by now if I were in her place. It is clear they drew from the shallow end of the gene pool. Kingsley has been forced into hiding, but was able to make it to the meeting. Hagrid and McGonnagal were able to come from the school. No headmaster has been announced yet, but the odds of McGonnagal taking her rightful position are slim. For now, there is no one in charge, leaving the staff to come and go without being questioned. We even had a new member, a friend of Fred and George's named Lee Jordan.

Despite the good turnout, our numbers are still pitifully small. We barely have enough members to form a book club, and we are fighting the most evil wizard in history. Obviously open warfare is out of the question at the moment. We have decided that information and espionage are what we should be dealing in. If we can inform the public on how to keep each other safe and keep their faith in victory, we may just have more support when we make our ultimate stand against You-Know-Who. I hope whatever Harry, Ron, and Hermione are doing right now for Dumbledore will be the key to defeating You-Know-Who. I only wish they would accept some help from the Order, or at least tell us something.

Everyone squished themselves around the Weasley dining room table and shared whatever had happened to them since the wedding. We sort of glossed over Remus running out on me, but everyone was glad to hear the kids were okay. Well, they are not really kids anymore. Molly was a bit relentless in her questioning, but I can't really blame her.

Once we were all caught up on each other's lives, we sat down to solve the problems of the wizarding world. Looking at the fourteen of us sitting together, it was hard to believe that we were the ones meant to fight for the light. "You and what army?" seemed an appropriate phrase. We will fight, though. We will do all we can. I am just afraid that some, if not all, of us will not live to see the end. It scares me that I may not be the one to raise you. I am afraid that we won't win, and this will be the only world you ever know. Somehow, I am foolishly hopeful. I can imagine our family's future, and it is too beautiful not to be true. I can only hope. In these dark times, that is all we have.

As far as business went, there wasn't really much to say. Kingsley had some information from contacts still within the Auror department. They supplied the not-so-shocking news that Pius Thickness (the new Minister) was most definitely Impiriused. Arthur and Kingsley's people also say that other higher ups in the Ministry, as well as some Aurors, are being Impiriused. They also said that the Toad was moving forward with her new legislation and beginning to put muggleborns in Azkaban. I'm not shocked, but I worry for my Dad even more now.

Then began the brainstorming session. We struggled to figure out a way to pass information to the public that couldn't be interfered with by the Death Eaters. We briefly considered something like the enchanted coins Hermione made for Dumbledore's Army. While we thought it held potential as a simple alert for a call to arms within the Order, we decided it was not suited to share news and advice. Finally, Fred suggested a radio show, though he was just throwing it out halfheartedly because we had beat just about every other option to death. Twice. The new guy Lee got really excited and started talking about when muggles pirated radio waves some time ago to play music. Remus chipped in about the King's speeches of WWII. The idea sort of caught on. Arthur was really excited to have the chance to fiddle with radio equipment, though it was quickly decided he should have help from someone who actually had, and spent time with, muggle relatives. That left Lee, Remus, and me. Since Remus had experience helping Sirius with the flying motorbike and had worked in muggle world on occasion, we were volunteered for base of radio operations. They really just didn't want me to leave the house. It makes sense, because your dad and I have unlimited time to read spell books and radio manuals, as we are both unemployed. Hopefully it doesn't take long to figure out. Arthur and the twins say they will come over often to help.

I think that figuring this radio thing out will will be the forward momentum we all need to get back on track. We all just want to be useful. Right now we all feel helpless. We need someway to fight back, and this is it. Just this small job gives me hope. You should have seen your Gran's face when when Remus and I came home with our arms full of electrical bits and bobs and a stack of manuals. She rolled her eyes, but I bet soon she will be helping us. I know she and I hope the same thing, that some where Dad will be alive and listening; and he will know that we are safe and wanting him home.

Goodnight Baby.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>Please Review! I really do value all opinions.<strong>


	16. Chapter 15

**AN: I finally finished this! It took me longer than I planned and it came out shorter than I wanted, but I was gone for the weekend. The most exciting weekend of my life. I actually _met_ J.K. Rowling! Sort of. She acknowledged my existence and all I could say was thank you. My friend and I skipped away and we saw a star in the car park. Best. Night. Ever.**

**Yeah, Mrs. Rowling was very nice, but she did not give me the rights to Harry Potter. Not even to just Tonks and Lupin. Shame.**

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><p>August 30<p>

Dear Baby,

Madam Pomfrey came to check up on us today. I finally got to hear your heart beat. According to my book I should have been able to hear it last week, but Madam Pomfrey could not get away and I did not want to risk trying the spell myself. It was the most amazing thing, Baby! I can't even make out a bump, and you already are going strong! Your Dad teared up when he heard it. I cannot describe how hearing your heart made me feel. It was breathtaking. Honestly, Baby, I cried, too.

Madam Pomfrey said that you seem healthy and strong and are developing correctly. She showed us an imaging spell, but it was hard for us to make out at first. She pointed out your arms and legs and your head. You are so small, but still so perfect, and growing so fast!

My book says you are about the size of a prune now, and that you have just lost your tail. At least, I hope you have lost it. Your father may actually lose it if you are born with a tail, what with the werewolf thing and all. That is pretty dim, of course. Even muggle children with absolutely no werewolf parentage are born with tails occasionally. We'll love you with or without a tail, Baby. Of that I am sure.

Madam Pomfrey said I should begin to notice an improvement in my morning sickness in the coming weeks. It can't come soon enough! I think I will feel so much better once I can keep a whole meal down. Unfortunately, she said the mood swings have just begun. It is to your father's credit that he kept his comments on this to himself. She said the moodiness I've had so far is going to be nothing compared to what's coming. Apparently I should avoid Celestina Warbeck music because it will make me cry. It is a bit of a moot point because I avoid it anyway. I especially would not want to expose you to it at such a young age. A baby with a tail is fine, but a young Warbeck fan in the house is unthinkable! I kid, baby.

While it is still unsafe to leave the ward boundaries, Madam Pomfrey recommended that I take walks around the garden to get exercise and help fight boredom. She said a bit of light jogging would also be okay if I felt up to it. She and the baby book both agree that I should avoid balance-oriented activities. It is like she doesn't know me at all.

So far as Order work goes, your father and I have not made much progress with the radio transmitter. So far we have gotten the display to light up when tapped with a wand, but reconciling technology with magic is always a headache. Factor in pregnancy brain and it is especially frustrating. And frustration leads to moodiness… your poor father. Lee, Fred, George, and Arthur come by occasionally, but too many visitors are dangerous. Having a job to do and a few people coming in and out makes me less agitated, which makes Remus and Mum's lives much easier, I am sure.

Unfortunately, the house keeping had taken a bit of a turn for the worse. Now, instead of cleaning constantly to alleviate our boredom, Remus and I are making a mess with bits and pieces of radio transmitter and receiver. Well, we are making a mess, and he cleans up most of it when I get bored and go to nap. Our work stays spread out on the kitchen table. We haven't eaten there since Dad left, anyway. Instruction manuals, magical and muggle, are stacked by the arm chairs and our bedside table and random notes and sketches are tossed onto tables and weighted down with forgotten mugs.

Mum puts up with all of it surprisingly well. She is usually a bit of a neat nick, but she is letting us drag junk into her house at all hours. She even tried to help out with the reading in the beginning, but she found it hard to understand the muggle technology. Now she just catalogues our notes and tries to maintain order. She has some sort of sewing project going on upstairs in her room, but she won't let me see. I have a feeling it is for you. It must be big, because she will disappear for hours at a time to work on it. She fusses over me a good deal as well—am I eating enough _good_ food? Am I getting too much sugar and caffeine? Am I getting enough sleep? It would drive, me crazy, but I am glad at least one of us knows what we are doing when it comes to being pregnant. There are some things a book just can't teach you.

Well baby, you father is begging me to turn out the light so we can go to sleep. He says hello, by the way. I guess it is getting pretty late, so I will stop keeping you up. Goodnight.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>So, what do you think? Please read and review!<strong>


	17. Chapter 16

**Sorry this one is a bit short, and a bit late. It is essentially a continuation of Tonks' entry last chapter, so I couldn't make it too long without making it repetitive. I hope you enjoy anyway!**

**This chapter is dedicated to, This Love Has No Ceiling, who requested that we hear from Remus more.**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>August 30<p>

Dear Baby,

Your mother is finally sleeping now, so I get to have my turn. I may feel her wrath in the morning, but I don't care. If fear you mother monopolizes you quite a bit. I suppose it makes sense, since you are inside her. More specifically I meant your journal. I know your Mum got this journal to write private thoughts from herself to you, so I respect that space. No matter how tempted I am to look back and see how she felt at certain times, it is her secret to tell. Considering the ways I've disappointed her, it may be best I never find out what she thought of me then.

Enough of the guilt and gloom, Baby. I am breaking my usual rule about not opening your journal without her permission because today was such an amazing day and I need to tell you about it. Today we heard your heartbeat for the first time! The feeling was indescribable and took my breath away. I never thought this moment would come for me. I never let myself dream of having a family. Hearing your heartbeat fluttering alongside the steady rhythm of your mother's heart, a rhythm I have become quite attuned to, felt like the world was shifting beneath my feet. I won't say that it suddenly became real, because I never doubted the reality of you inside you mother's belly, but it was similar to that. It was something concrete. I could see your and hear you for the first time.

That moment was probably the best of my life, the only other that could possibly compete is the day I married your mother. She was lying against me on the couch while madam Pomfrey was casting the spell. A moving picture of you appeared and your heartbeat filled the room. The picture was difficult to make out, but Madam Pomfrey assured us that you were developing properly, with all the requisite limbs. Your heart, beating so strong and clear, was the most beautiful sound I have ever known. I was at a loss for words. I could only stroke your mother's baby bump and weep unashamedly.

I cannot believe I almost missed this. One moment of self-hatred could have cost me the pure joy I have with you and your mother. For the first time in a very long time, I feel hope. This is what your mother and I are fighting for (even though right now our fighting consists of being untalented radio technicians). I would willingly die to protect you and to give you a safe, happy future.

I love you baby, and I can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Dad

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><p><strong>What do you think? I welcome all reviews, even the critical ones so long as they are not flames.<strong>


	18. Chapter 17

**Thanks to anyone who is still hanging in there with this story! I had not realized how long it had been since I had updated this one! Please excuse any typos in this one. My Internet has not been hooked up yet, so I had to update from my phone. I hope you enjoy this one! As always, please review!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

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><p>August 31<p>

Dear Baby,

Tomorrow Ginny is going back to Hogwarts, so we ventured out of the house tonight to have dinner with the Weasleys. It was a more somber occasion than any Weasley gathering should be. Molly cooked enough to feed an army, as usual, but she was trying not to cry. I don't blame her. We are all scared for Ginny. Hogwarts isn't safe anymore.

We learned a few days ago that McGonnagal will not be taking her rightful place as the headmistress. Snape will be taking the position. It makes my blood boil. I wonder if he knew all along that this would be his reward for killing Dumbledore. Now You-Know-Who has control of the Ministry and Hogwarts. He has even installed two Death Eaters on the faculty. Alecto and Amaycus Carrow will be taking over the vacant Muggle Studies and Defense against the Dark Arts classes.

The other teachers will still be there, but they cannot protect all the students at once. He has made attendance compulsory for purebloods and half-bloods and forbidden muggleborns from attending. They want to indoctrinate them, but we all know that they also want hostages. What better way to keep people docile than to steal their children?

Whether or not Ginny would be going back this term has been an argument that has carried on for weeks. While it is dangerous there, it is more dangerous that she will be missed if she does not go. If they come looking for her, there is no way to tell what the consequences will be. Arthur is still working at the Ministry and if both of his school-age children are absent from Hogwarts, they will surly use that against him. We need as many people in the ministry as possible, so the ones that are left need to toe the line. That is easy to say, but hard to do when it means sending Ginny away. Nobody likes it, but we all know it is the safest thing for everyone.

I really am scared for Ginny. I staunchly opposed this from the beginning, insisting that we could just say that she caught Ron's "splattergoit" and kidnap another ghoul to transfigure. I even offered to morph and go to school in her place, but that was quickly shot down. It terrifies me that we are sending a girl to do something unsafe for a pregnant Auror. She is like a little sister to me, and now I am worried that she will leave on that train and I will never see her alice again. I can only imagine what the Weaslys were feeling. I cannot imagine being in Molly's place. I understand now the protective instinct of motherhood, and I now it must be horrible to have to ignore it.

We were all sat around the table, trying to be normal about it. Conversation was forced, and even Fred and George were quiet. All those brothers, and not one could protect her. For the first time in her life, she won't have any family with her, and it is when times are at their darkest.

Ginny is trying to seem unafraid, but her face is so pale, her freckles stand dark against her skin. I know she is not helpless. She is tough and capable, but she is still standing against three Death Eaters. If any sixteen year old can do this, I am sure that it is her. She smiled at me when Remus and I left and said that by the time she comes home I will be showing quite a bit and she will be able to feel you kick. I hugged her and then these darn pregnancy hormones decided to turn on the waterworks. It was not exactly the positive image we were all trying to project. Remus tried to assure her that it was fine and that I cry randomly now, but she is a clever girl and I do not think she believed him.

She told me she was afraid, and she looked so vulnerable for one fleeting moment. I held her by the shoulders and told her that I believed that if anyone could handle this, it was her. I told her that nothing bad could possibly happen because you are going to need your Aunt Ginny. We both know that there is no truth behind the words. You-Know-Who doesn't care if the children of his enemies have aunts and uncles, or even mothers and fathers.

Baby, know that as long as there is a member of the Order still breathing, you will have someone to go to. We are a family, and that is our greatest strength. It may be painful, in times like this when doing the right thing means sending one you care for into danger, but it also means we never stand alone.

I hugged Ginny again for good measure, and my eyes were even dry this time. I had her promise to write, only about basic day to day things of course. Her eyes looked brighter and more determined now. There was a fire there and it wasn't just for show. She said she was going to make life difficult for Snape and the Carrows. I made her promise to be careful. There was no denying now that she was an adult in so many ways. Her childhood was stolen, as I hope yours never will be. With her promise to be as careful as she could, I said goodbye to her. Remus will see her tomorrow when he is part if the guard that will bring her to the station (something I can't help but see as a fruitless exercise as we are only ensuring her safe delivery to a place run by the people we are guarding her from). Her face was set and determined. I almost envied her direction. I know one thing is for certain. Snape will not know what hit him.

Goodnight Baby.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Once again, please review!<strong>


	19. Chapter 18

**I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I have been in a bit of a writing funk recently, so it has been difficult to write anything at all. School put me into a semester-long funk all on its own. To anyone who is still following this story or any of my others, thank you so much. Now that school is no longer looming over me, I will attempt to be more faithful with my updating. I hope to have "Holding it Together" and "Fathers are Like Noses" updated in the next couple of weeks. Once again, I am very sorry, and I will try to do better.**

**Please review. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.**

**Clearly I did not write Harry Potter. If I did, we would still be waiting on Book 3.**

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><p>September 1<p>

Dear Baby,

Your father helped to escort Ginny to Kings Cross without incident, but I was left at home again. Never mind that I would have been better at blending in. Since we are all trying to be incognito, especially your dad and me, he could only follow in the shadows wrapped up like the invisible man. He couldn't use an invisibility cloak because there were crowds and bumping into nothing is even more conspicuous than a man in an overcoat and hat with a scarf covering half his face. I understand their concern, but I am sick of them filing "pregnancy" under "disability." I can sense this becoming a theme of this journal.

Fred, George, and Lee all had been over at ours since they dropped Ginny off. I suspect they wanted a distraction. Molly came as well, but she and Mum stayed in the kitchen for the most part, or worked on Mum's mysterious project upstairs. Molly assures me that an extensive knitted wardrobe for you is well underway. At this rate, you will be well-outfitted in all manner of handmade gifts. Mum and Molly came down towards the end of the evening and cooked. I'm not quite sure how they managed such a meal on limited resources, but I am now feeling quite full and drowsy thanks to their efforts.

We were able to make some headway on the radios. At least, we managed to transmit some signal. It isn't clear, and it isn't secure, but it is much more than we had yesterday. I cannot honestly say what finally did it. We are messing with something none of us fully understand and that is at once exciting and frightening. I think it was something that Fred did that finally got some results. Towards the end of the day we were taking a less-than-scientific approach and just shooting spells at it waiting for something to happen. We each made a list of all the spells we used and the order we used them in if combinations were put together. Up to this point, Remus and I were at least able to dismantle and reassemble the radios and the transmitter to take notes on its insides. Our abundance of free time has profited our project quite nicely, even if it does drive me (and by extension, all those around me) mad at times.

We will have to make some adjustments before we are ready to broadcast, but at least Remus and I have a starting point now. It may seem small, but this is an exciting victory for us. Hopefully, we will be able to broadcast within the next month. That will be the first step to bringing the wizarding community together against You-Know-Who. Kingsley and Arthur say that support for the Order is strong, if only we can unite everyone against the Death Eaters. At the very least, we will be able to give people practical advice on keeping themselves and their neighbors safe. Going door to door with public service pamphlets is not a feasible option anymore. We can only hope that news of our radio station will spread by word of mouth among those it was meant for, namely, those who are against the Death Eaters. I suppose it is inevitable that the Death Eaters will find out about it eventually, and probably sooner rather than later now that they have the might of the Ministry behind them, so we can only attempt to make sure that they cannot trace the transmissions back to our location.

We are hanging in there, Baby. Just this small advance gives me hope that we will be able to prevail in the end, if only because we have so much more to fight for.

Goodnight, Baby.

Love,

Mum

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Please leave a review to tell me what you think! All opinions are appreciated.<strong>


	20. Chapter 19

September 5, 1998

Dear Baby,

We had a brief respite as far as things going on in the house are concerned. Namely, I went a whole three days without vomiting! Not even a dry heave! I thought that at almost twelve weeks I was ahead of the game and finishing with queasiness early. I was even struck with surges in appetite that had me eating everything I could get my hands on. At least in this small way, things were looking up. Then, you father had to go and fry something and ruin it. Come to think of it, I haven't spoken to him since I snapped at him while he held my hair back. I should probably go apologize for getting angry at him. It wasn't his fault. Though he did get me pregnant. And decided to fry something after he knew it made me sick last time. And left before I was finished emptying my stomach. Well the last one was my fault since I yelled at him. I suppose I will go find him when I am done with this entry. Your poor father. Right now he is dealing with first trimester sickness and second trimester moodiness. He is bearing up quite well considering. I am beginning to see why Mum laughed when we told her we thought the worst of the sickness was over.

Mum never misses a chance to tell me how sick she was while pregnant with me. Apparently my symptoms pale in comparison. Of course it would be the very worst pregnancy ever. She has an annoying habit of topping any complaint I have. I threw up all morning and into the afternoon? She once threw up an entire week straight. I feel dizzy? She had fainting spells the entire first trimester. I am still feeling nauseous and the first trimester is almost ending? She felt ill well into the second. I can't stand the smell of fish? She had to go sit on the porch anytime Dad cooked anything. I doubt most of these are true, but then I have always been a trouble maker. I may just have started early. I think this has turned into a bit of a game for her. She knows it makes me frustrated sometimes, but it does make me laugh occasionally. I know she laughed at the look of absolute horror Remus gave when she said she got so moody once that Dad had to sleep on the couch for two weeks solid. I laugh at that as well.

I do admire my mother greatly. She raised a child at a time of war. I can only hope that by the time you start making memories, you won't have such things to worry about. I grew up knowing that my mother's family wouldn't know me. When I was six, my favorite cousin was arrested for the murder of his best friends and dozens of innocent muggles. I knew there was something very bad in the world, and that I should always be prepared to hide and to not come out for any reason until Mum or Dad came to get me. With all this going on, she still managed to make my childhood seem happy most of the time. My parents may not have slept the entire war, but I rested easy with the faith that my parents could fight off anything that was out there. I only hope that I will be able to be as good of a mother as she is to me. Even if she is a bit overbearing at times.

Things are picking up again with the Order. We are starting to get our feet beneath us again and gain some traction. We have people placed throughout the Ministry, St. Mungo's, and Gringotts. They are not highly ranked officials, but they can still overhear things. My job now, in addition to radio technician, is organizing all the memos and sorting them into something useful. It is as close to Auror work I have gotten since before I got fired. I'm happy to have something occupy myself and feel useful. Last week we were able to hear of an attack before it happened and evacuate the targets. Remus and I went to Shell Cottage to see them off. Watching the little family cross the Channel was a ray of hope. It is easy to get bogged down looking at the big picture, but to that family we made all the difference. The muggle-born woman had tears in her eyes as she clutched her half-blood baby close. The pure-blood husband held a protective arm over them both. The mother wept softy and left her husband's embrace to throw her arms around me. She placed a hand on my stomach and looked at me knowingly. "May God bless and keep you and your family," she said softly, "You and yours have been angels to us." And with that, they were gone. They left for the safety of France with only a few Galleons and the clothes on their backs. An odd twinge of something settled in my chest, and my eyes followed their forms into the distance until the early morning fog swallowed them. In the grand scheme of things, saving one family does not bring us closer to ending the war. It probably won't help save anyone else. But it is quite possibly the biggest thing I have ever done, or ever hope to do. I realized what the feeling in my chest was. That was why I wanted to become Auror to begin with.

Goodnight Baby,

Mum


End file.
